that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
