I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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