please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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