I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
