i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
