so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
