I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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