I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
