Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
