i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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