I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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