That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
