It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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