i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
