I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
