My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
