she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
