P.S. I can't hear my feet
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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