Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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