I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Your dad touched me again.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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