All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
3pm strippers are depressing
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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