Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
