You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
