Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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