He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
and i looked up. we had an audience...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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