Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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