I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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