I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
