life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
How external is "for external use only"?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
