I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
