Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
