dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
