OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
