I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
