if you like me you must not know who I am
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
