I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
