Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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