I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
