Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
