So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Found your dick twin last night
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
