Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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