I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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