I wish my penis had an off switch
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
