Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
