Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
