Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
