wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
