Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
