I think im going to throw up on grandma
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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