I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
