You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
