I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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